Thursday, June 24, 2010

Tragedy Strikes City Official

Mayor Cohen delivering the bad news to Mr. Mallinoff.

Dearest Readers:

The King has sad news to report. Tragedy has struck a noted city official.

This afternoon Mayor Cohen announced that Michael D. (a.k.a. Mad Dog) Mallinoff is to be the next CAO / City Manager.

This will surely mean the end of his peaceful well lived professional life. A thankless position in the best of times, Mr. Mallinoff will now have a life expectancy of 23 days 7 hours and 47 minutes.

Mr. Mallinoff in happier times.

Donations in lieu of flowers will be accepted at the Home for Dispossessed City Officials, Mayor's Office, 160 Duke of Gloucester Street, Annapolis, MD 21401.

God rest his soul!

King of George

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

New CAO To Be Named Tomorrow

Fellow Travelers:

Tomorrow afternoon, ta-da, the new CAO is to be named at a press conference in City Hall by Mayor Josh Cohen.

The King knows who it is, but has been sworn to secrecy. Nevertheless, that has never meant anything to him.

After all, he is the King.

So here are some names to consider. You narrow down the list:

Former CAO Bob Agee - Brought back from retirement, good old Bob could fill the shoes any day. After all, he has more experience than anyone in government with the Markethouse, the APD Headquarters and the city budget. That should certainly get him the job.

Former Alderman Julie Stankivic - Yes, the Ancient Citte's theatre of the absurd would do well with the Egyptian Queen at centre stage again. With a new lease on political life, she could chase honking taxis around town and give away city services to the county. Just like she always wanted to.

Present CAO Doug Smith - Herr Smith isn't leaving his office, damn it. He will work for free if he has to. And he most definitely will have to. Meet the new CAO, same as the old CAO.

Blogger Paul Foer - Self anointed transportation expert, Mr. Foer has never met a government service he liked. So why settle for him destroying just the Transportation Department? He could trash the entire house of cards. And then tell us why it was everyone else's fault in his blog.

Former Insider & Swabbie Dale Maddox - Ellen Moyer's confidant, power broker and man about town, Mr. Maddox has repeatedly stated he "could do a better job than all those clowns combined". One thing is for sure, Cranky Dale would give Alderman Arnett a run for his money in the 'should not be in government' category.

There are other worthy candidates, to be sure. But remember, the quality we need the most from our new CAO:


King of George

(Fill In This Blank) !!!!!

Fellow Historics:

It's been going on for millennia. Damn it!

The sun heats the frothy Atlantic waters south of Bermuda and north of the Caribbean Basin. This, in turn, creates a huge hot and humid air mass.

Which expands. And, in the process of expanding, air molecules move.

Due to the force discovered in 1835 by Gaspard-Gustave Coriolis, a free body in motion in the northern hemisphere bends to the right. Thus a gigantic clockwise flow of hot and humid air is created that ducts this air right over Annapolis. All summer long. Until the Atlantic cools in the late summer.

Human life in the Ancient Citte tends to retrograde during this period. People move to Maine. Or sit on their boats and cuss. Or try to relieve pain in the gin joints of Eastport. And all our local controversies and hatreds have been put on hold for a while.

Even young Mayor Cohen escaped to Chincoteague Island with his daughters last weekend. Hoping to find relief amongst the frolicking ponies.

So. Not much to report here.

The best the King could come up with is:

Chuck Walsh to direct economic development!!! Yes, its true dear readers. Uber mensch yet enemy-to-all Chuck Walsh is to be named the Director of Economic Development. Of Sorts. Famous for litigating FCC issues in the '90s, zzzzzzz.....

CCRABL report to endorse 2 am licenses!!! Yes, dear readers, the vaunted CCRABL Committee, run as virtual slave state to the interests of Ward One, will endorse 2 am licenses. In another 3 weeks. zzzzzzz.....

Alderman to save children from drowning!!! Yes, friends, Alderman Kenneth A. Kirby has been promoted to a much higher station: life guard at the the Harbor House pool. This position, which actually requires skills and certifications while paying more than being Alderman, will test him in a way Alderman has not. zzzzzz....

Oh my.

Maybe The Capital can do a better job than I. They are good in the fact creation department. Or bring Mr. Foer on stage. He has left his integrity by the door. A long time ago.

Yes, summer is here.

Ho hum.

King of George

Monday, June 21, 2010

Moyer to Fire First Shot

Dear Hearts:

The long awaited Royale Rumble is finally set to begin. Or, more accurately, the first shots are soon to be fired.

You see, Citizen Moyer doesn't like it. Doesn't like it one bit. And she is sharpening her pen.

The gutting of environmental programs. Dis-information on the budget. Mangling of transportation programs.

So she is preparing the first shot, a broadside to The Capital.

Unfortunately for her, it's not clear they will even print it. You see, it does not fit with their story line. When writing fiction, facts become so pesky.

And, of course, we are entering the summer doldrums. When the air is stagnant and its 100 degrees it's hard to stir enthusiasm for anything in the Historic Core other than a cold shower.

God speed Ellen. You'll need it.

King of George

Sunday, June 20, 2010

It's Annapolis: No Trials Necessary!

Dearest Historics:

We all love a good crime drama. Poe's The Purloined Letter comes to mind. So the speculation in the Ancient Citte is rife. Who got the goods?

It really wasn't much of a heist as heists go. $150,000 mainly in non-negotiable checks and only $4,000 in cash. Not enough for a good party in Baden Baden. The G-5 leases out at $25,000 an hour. Couldn't get to Europa on that amount.

Nevertheless, I suppose it is really the sport of it all. So, with the Bermuda high in full clockwise flow and summer swelter in bloom, it would be good to reprise the betting on the culprit.

Most acknowledge it was an inside job. Someone with at least a passing understanding of the processes and procedures at City Hall. So, barring contractors or other outsiders working in the Finance space, the King would place bets on three individuals:

CAO Doug Smith. Yes, Herr Smith has a track record of strange pecuniary occurrences surrounding him. Budgets that were in balance that are suddenly not. Including, most recently, the odd case of his purported burglary (see: Levitating Burglar to Return?, April 16). Some in APD still doubt the veracity of his tale surrounding these events.

Finance Director Tim Elliot. Mr. Elliot has been around City Hall a long time. He has been a cohort of Herr Smith in distorting the realities of the budget. He certainly has the access required to get into the safe. Plus his rumoured gambling gives him a purported motive (see: Of Money, Epsom and Annapolis, April 3).

The City Council. This is an especially suspicious group. Some of them are always ready to embrace wacked out financial schemes involving the tax payer's monies. It's possible any one of them did it. After all, they only get paid $12,000 a year.

Chief Pristoop says they have some suspects but will not name them. Too bad, we have never needed trials in Annapolis.

They just slow down the fun.

King of George

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Eastport Water Supply Contaminated!

Concerned Citizens:

It is the King's duty, nay burden, to report risks to our public health.

Something is in the water in Eastport. It has now shown up in parts of Ward One. And a few people in Admiral Heights have early symptoms.

Unfocused thinking. Inability to add and subtract. Hyper-emotional mood swings. Unable to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Anger management issues.

Yes, Eastport has it bad. It first started when we were told to 'stop the gunfire'. Then it spread from Miami and Boucher to Burnside and Chesapeake. It has now gotten worse. Much worse.

Public meetings disrupted. Incoherent rantings spewed. Hate filled speech everywhere. Self inflated egos running amuck.

It must be in the water supply. Contaminated by some nut cases wanting to have a Tea Party.

So clear thinkers of Annapolis -- stay away from the water supply in Eastport!

King of George

Monday, June 14, 2010

We All Live in Fear

Fellow Historics:

Yes, the King abhors violence.

There was Uncle Louie, Grandpa Charles and Cousin Peter. All who lost their heads to the mob.

Therefore he supports Alderman Kirby's attempts to stem the swell of violence in the citte. See the above scan. Circulated in neighborhoods today.

You see, there has been a spate of violence of late. And, with the police cut backs, we're not sure there is adequate APD protection.

Two years ago, with the police force reeling from having six more officers than it has today, APD was unable to check the force of the criminals as they surged through our community. In Eastport they said they 'live in fear'. In Ward One, even Herr Smith was a purported victim. Burgled mid air (see: Levitating Burgler to Return? April 16).

So, with 6 less officers than at the height of the crime spree two years ago, we are certainly in for a long hot summer.

Eastporters who 'live in fear' are presumably enroute Montana.

Or so we hope.

King of George

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

King of George Sells Out

Dearest Friends:

"War is a continuation of diplomacy using other means." Carl von Clausewitz, Über den Krieg

"And politics is a continuation of commerce using other means." King of George

Yes, the King can be bought.

Exactly two weeks ago the King was approached by an elected official. This blog was ruffling feathers. Giving people the hot seat. Making them uncomfortable. And right before the big budget vote.

So the King was approached. Would he consider a two week hiatus? Leave us alone? Back off?

Why, yes! The King is always open for business.

In return, the King got something he really, really wanted. Non-pecuniary. But very important to the King nonetheless.

So a deal was struck, the budget was passed and 14 days of peace was granted by the King. In his beneficence.

But now the egg timer has sounded. And the King has returned. Just a little bit better off.

King of George